Plants are a lot like people. Some are hardy and can grow anywhere. Some require special care and attention but reward you with amazing results.  And then you have what I call “beautiful offenders”: think of these as the super cute bad guy you dated in high school. They show up at the wrong place and the wrong time but they look so good you’re tempted to let them stay on their own terms, right where they are. That’s when your troubles start.

See, these beautiful offenders will start to take over your life. Um… Yard, I mean: they’ll start to take over your yard. What starts out as a superficial infatuation will wind up causing you a ton of heartache and frustration down the road. See, they really are a lot like that guy you dated in high school… But just like with that piece of arm candy you have options. Change the rules of the game: instead of letting that beauty call the shots choose to accept this plant on your terms only. And if that doesn’t work? Toss it to the curb, there’s always more plants where that one came from.

I think I’ve beaten this analogy to a pulp, but you get the idea.

At any rate, the most confusing part is that beautiful offenders are different for everybody. What you think is the perfect filler plant or ground cover might drive me up a wall (both literally and figuratively). If you’re starting from scratch in a newly created yard this won’t be much of an issue for you except for the occasional volunteer plant from nearby lots. Odds are, though, that you’re in a house that someone else has loved and cared for which means you’ll inherit all the plants the put in. Some of them will be hidden gems, plants that you’ve always wished for or perhaps have never even heard of. Others? Not so much.

Here are examples of the beautiful offenders in my yard.

First up is periwinkle, a very aggressive viney groundcover. There are two varieties: Vinca major and Vinca minor (Vinca minor is pictured). Both have the characteristic five-petaled flower in shades pretty shades of purple-y blue. Vinca minor has smaller, darker leaves and correspondingly smaller flowers. Periwinkle spreads easily both at the root and by rooting at the tip as it grows along the ground. The vines are slick and harden as they age and die off, making it difficult if not painful to remove.

I have both varieties in my yard and it’s a never ending battle to keep it in check. Each year I rip out the parts that have grown outside their boundaries. Each year, I miss a tiny piece of root and am doomed to repeat the whole process again. Pretty as it is, I hate it. It’s being banished from my yard. I will be putting some low-growing phlox in its place: the flower shape is almost identical though phlox is more pink. Plus, the variety I’m putting in is native to my state.

Next are liriope and mondo grasses, genuses Liriope and Ophiopogon respectively. The two are easily confused as they look very similar: clumps of grass with a flowering stem in the middle that produces bluish or purple-black berries. Mondo grass has narrower leaves and the berries are more blue while liriope has more obvious flowers and blue-black berries. Both types spread aggressively through re-seeding (from the berries) and underground propegation of rhizomes. Liriope is typically more tolerant of heat and lack of water and that combined with it’s self-spreading groundcover tendency has put it on the recommended plant list for my area. I could kill whomever put it on that list…

There is definitely a time and place for these plants. They do well underneath trees where nothing else will grow, or as borders in a contained area (think concrete islands in a parking lot). In my yard, however, they’re everywhere. And by everywhere I mean you’ll find one within 10 feet of you no matter where on my lot you’re standing. They’re under my trees, coming up in my driveway, in my flower beds. They’re even coming up between the pavers of my patio. Leaving just a single rhizome behind means there will be a new plant there next year. I have a pile of dirt in my backyard from when we cleaned off the patio last summer, it’s about a foot deep. There were rhizomes in the bottom of that pile, and new clumps are making their way through that foot of dirt as we speak. I can’t even compost the stuff, it’ll grow in the compost heap. Next stop: the fire pit.

One of the saddest inclusions on my list is my state flower, the Carolina Jessamine (aka Carolina jasmine), or Gelsemium sempervirens. Carolina Jessamine is a climber: a reddish clambering vine with glossy dark green foliage. The blooms are bright yellow trumpet shaped flowers and the scent is absolutely amazing. I love my jessamines: I have several of them. Unfortunately, they’ve been left to their own devices, and for a quick growing climber that spells disaster.

My flowering quince (pictured left) is completely covered by jessamine vine. It’s almost pretty in a chaotic kind of way: a mound of green and yellow with long spikes of flower-laden quince limbs sticking out here and there. But, if I leave it like it is the quince will die out and will likely take the vine with it.

One of my projects this summer is to move my jessamines to the strip of ground in front of the chain link fence in my back yard. That will give them something sturdy to climb upon and will do me the service of covering up a rather ugly fence. The tricky part is going to be disentangling the vines from their current victims. I expect it’s going to take a while…

This next picture isn’t the greatest in the world, so you’ll just have to trust me on the fact that it’s a violet (the foliage gives it away). There are upwards of 500 species in the Viola genus, (and African Violet isn’t one of them, it’s a separate genus) so please don’t ask me what kind I have. I couldn’t tell you if my life depended on it…  All I know is that I have small clumps of violets throughout my yard, and of course they’re in all the wrong places, namely sun. As a result of their current poor placement my violets are much more well behaved than they are for some people: in the right conditions, violets will spread to take over a flower bed in just a few years through roots, runners, and seeds. The variety I have dies back every year, so I’ll be honest: I’d be thrilled if it filled up a flower bed. I’d get a month of pretty green with dashes of delicate purple, and then they’d all die back and make room for their summer time bed buddies. This means I have yet another project for this spring: move my violets to a single, shady location. Perhaps I’ll put them in a spot currently covered up in periwinkle.

The last offender for today is grape hyacinth (genus Muscari). I’m not certain which variety I have, though armeniacum, latifolium, and neglectum are all likely suspects. As of this morning I have about ten of these popping up in random places in my lawn. They grow to about six inches tall and have dark blue to purple flowers (actually clusters of flowers). Much like violets, grape hyacinth can easily spread to take over the bed it’s in. However, they’re also small and die back each year like violets, which means they make room for summer plants quite easily.

When planted together as a group, grape hyacinths actually look quite striking. It’s rare to get such a blue color in a flower, especially so early in the spring. Leaving them in the yard isn’t an option (we’re sodding or seeding this year), so it’s either move ‘em or loose ‘em. Since they do well in sun, I think I’m going to put them into the newly re-worked front flower bed. I think they’d look really nice clumped together, and they’ll provide a good contrast to all the daffodil bulbs I have to plant up there. Plus, they’re way easier to get rid of than mondo grass and periwinkle…

I am painfully aware of most (though of course not all) of my short comings. Gardening is high on the list. Each year I start out all gung ho and then by month two at the latest I’ve gotten bored and tired of the whole bit. It’s frustrating, not to mention a waste of time and money.

And no, I’m not going to stand here and say “This is year the year I change!” Alright, fine: I’m sitting. Whatever…

The point is, I’m not psychic; I could easily wind up entering the month of May with a yard just as foul as it is now and no garden to speak of. It’s probable, in fact. But I’m a prideful wench, you see, so I’m hoping a public declaration of my intentions will help keep me on task.

So, just so we’re clear: my job is twofold. One: clean up the mess that is my plot of land. Two: grow some vegetables. Your job however is beyond simple: when I throw my hands up and say I’m going to give up, you come here and make fun of me. Think you can handle that?

Now, to give you an idea of what I mean when I say “mess”. First up is that oak tree. A big, beautiful oak tree, about 80 feet tall. Easily older than every house in the neighborhood. Sadly, it was struck by lightening… After it dropped a 15 ft limb onto my car, we bit the bullet and had it removed.

That tree removal did a couple of things. First of all, it pretty much blew our landscaping budget for a couple of years. I mean, we got a great deal on the removal and all, but three days with a six man crew doesn’t come cheap. As a result I now rely on slave labor (my own) and clearance aisle plants to spruce the rest of the yard up. Secondly, once the tree was gone there was a gigantic pile of wood chips left in my front yard. Two and half years later and it’s still mostly there. I have no idea what’s buried under that pile. Well, not exactly… I know there are daffodils because some of them fight their way to the top every spring. Other than that, I’m clueless and providing a litter box for all the neighborhood cats

The third thing removing that tree did? Completely change the climate of my southern exposed front yard. The good news is that the rose started getting enough sun and quadrupled in size within two years. The bad news is that, without shade, my tiny square of a front yard is absolutely parched every summer. The walkway to my front door is a patch of sand. I’ve thought about putting in pavers, but I’d have to fashion the bricks by hand using clay from my own yard  (see point number 1 about the landscaping budget).

Alright, now that I’ve established that my front yard looks like a barren desert wasteland, let’s move on to the back of the house. Otherwise known as… Well, whatever is the exact opposite of a barren wasteland.

This is what the back yard looked like our first autumn in this house. I know it’s hard to tell, but there’s actually a patio under there. You heard me: all that stuff growing in the foreground of this first picture was growing on top of my patio. Technically it was growing on top of a 3 inch layer of rotting oak lives that was on top of the patio, but that’s just semantics.

Getting that patio into good working order was job number one in the back yard, and I’m proud to say it’s done. Now that it’s cleaned up all it requires is a bit of leaf removal throughout the fall and winter. By a bit I mean several cubic feet of mulched leaves, because of course the patio is underneath several full grown trees. How’d you think it got 3 inches of leaves on top of it in the first place?

At any rate, now that I’ve marked that off my list I have an even bigger hurdle in front of me. The Great Plant Removal of 2009. My back yard is chock full of plants, more than I have room for. Many were planted and have propagated on their own. Others were seedy windblown presents from neighbors’ yards. And still others were gifts from above. I’m being literal here: birds have crapped blackberry, raspberry, and mulberry seeds into random and inconvenient places in my yard.

This bed from our first autumn here is just an example of what I’m talking about. There are two stone walls in that picture: one along the property line and one three feet in front of it. With all the English ivy and periwinkle, you couldn’t even see the walls when we moved in. In the 10 ft of bed in the picture above, there’s rose of sharons, lilies, daffodils, snowflakes, nandinas, azaleas, porcelain berry, and a dogwood. All grown over and matted down by the periwinkle and ivy. In other words, an absolute mess.

So, with all this in front of me, what’s the plan of attack? Um…. Yeah, that’s kind of where I get bogged down. There’s so much that needs to be done that it’s way too easy to get overwhelmed.

I’ve taken some steps, though.

I’ve started marking plants in the back yard that have to be moved out. I’m up to 73 so far… Some of them will be moved to the front, some will be given away. Others won’t be so lucky, and will make their way to the compost heap. In fact, two of them got uprooted today, a winter honeysuckle and a black raspberry. They’re chilling out in a dirt pile for the time being. While marking those plants I got an up close and personal look at just how much wood there is back there, too. Four oak trees shed a lot of twigs as part of their normal life cycle, and boy does it show. I’ve taken a look at the weather, though, and this weekend is looking to be about 50 and drizzly. The perfect kind of weather to have an all day fire in the fire pit, fed by yard debris.

Also, I started playing with a new service called GrowVeg.com. It let’s you lay out a space (such as my much idealized front yard here) and then add plants to it. For things like fruits and vegetables it’ll let you know what shouldn’t be planted together, and will even keep track of when to plant them and when you’ll get your harvests. Just enough to feed my inner geek.

And last but not least: I started some seeds today. While it’s warm this week, we’re still not safe from frost so I can’t sow them outside just yet. Our first contenders relaxing in their peat pots are tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, cosmos, and coreopsis. When things warm up I’ll sow sunflowers, two kinds of daisies, echinacea, marigolds, and hollyhocks. I’m trying my hand at some flowers from seed this year because I need to get something attractive in the front yard. Call it vanity if you want, but we’re slotted for a refinance this spring and having an attractive yard will do nothing but help us.

So, there you have it. My not-quite-a-plan of attack for my yard and garden. Hopefully I’ll keep making updates about my progress. I’m counting on you to step up to the plate and taunt me if I don’t.

Go ahead and call me a wuss if you want, but I’m just going to throw this out there: my yard might just kill me. Not the work, but the actual yard. It’s chock full of thorns of almost infinite size and variety. It would be easy if I could just yank out everything with thorns but there are some pretty cool plants with thorns out there.

You’re probably familiar with that most common of the plant predators: the rose. My house came with two, a Knock Out upright rose in the front and an unknown rambling variety in the back (you’ll find that unknown plants are a common theme in my yard). This thing is tough as nails, propagates itself easily, and not particularly showy; makes me think it’s an heirloom variety of some sort. It’s putting out some new runners now, and as you can tell from the Sharpie v. Thorn comparison that new growth sports some mighty mean defenses.

Roses are pretty physical plants, you have to interact with them a lot. They usually require pruning, and ramblers like this one need to be trained to a trellis. All that interaction only increases the chance of blood loss.

Next on the list is this monstrosity. I’m not certain what it is, but I think it’s a flowering quince. I have a thornless quince in my front yard with wonderful orangey-pink blooms on it right now. This one looks very similar in structure and leaf, but it has white blooms and some ginormous huge stickers. I’ve been here almost three years and I’ve never even noticed it before: I found it today tucked behind a thicket of azaleas in my back yard.

The fact that it’s poorly placed means I either have to trash it or move it. Ever tried to move a plant covered in thorns half an inch long? Me either, but I can only imagine that it’s not going to be an enjoyable event.

The final contender on today’s list of “Tina’s List of Deadly Plants” is the ever popular bramble. Brambles are a common term for thorny, fruit-bearing perennials like raspberries and blackberries. I’m not certain of the exact count, but I have about fifteen blackberry and raspberry plants. If left to their own devices I will eventually have nothing but brambles as they propagate themselves easily. On the plus side, that means I’d be able to eat myself to death on berries…

Out of all the culprits listed the brambles are actually the easiest to deal with despite the name. If they’re in a bad spot (as mine are) and need to be moved (like mine do), you can cut the canes down, dig the root system up, and replant elsewhere with minimal blood loss. The canes will grow back and you’ll have fruit the next year (possibly the same year depending on when you transplant and the type of berry). Moving a rose or a quince requires a bit more delicacy. And all of them need pruning…

I think I might need a suit of armor.

In Part One of this series I talked about some basic tools that will help make your kitchen adventures easier and more enjoyable. Today is kind of an extension of that train of thought. I’m calling it “pantry essentials” even though not all of these items are in fact ‘pantry’ items. They’re ingredients I always have on hand: either I use them in the majority of things I make or it’s something I can quickly put together for those times I’m feeling lazy.

Before I jump in, I just want to mention that of course this list is not exhaustive. These are the things I find most useful to have on hand because of the way I cook. If you’re just getting into the habit of cooking at home this list will be a good place to start, but as you develop your own style you’ll very likely find that there are items that you will add or remove to suit your own tastes. And of course, the cuisine you prefer to cook will affect what you need to keep on hand: Indian will require a different ingredient set than French, etc. A lot of the basics on this list, though, will remain the same.

Dry & Canned Goods

These are the the things you would traditionally keep in an actual pantry, non-refrigerated items that will keep for quite a while on a cool dark shelf.

1. all purpose flour
2. plain cornmeal
3. baking powder
4. baking soda
5. sugar
6. oatmeal
7. rice
8. pasta
9. beans (canned or dried)
10. canned tomatoes (diced, crushed, whatever your preference)
11. canned tomato paste
12. bouillon (cubes or the kind in a jar)

By keeping all purpose flour instead of self-rising flour, you’ll be able to save yourself some shelf space. If a recipe calls for self-rising flour, just add 1.5 teaspoons of baking powder and 0.5 teaspoons of salt to a cup of all-purpose flour. Mix together well with a sifter or a whisk.

Also, the canned vs. dried bean debate will rage on regardless of which you chose to buy. Canned beans are usually easier (though not always), but can be more expensive and higher in sodium (though again, not always). Dried beans aren’t hard to handle or cook, but if you’ve never cooked them before you might want to stick with canned beans for the time being.

Fresh & Refrigerated Food

These items have varying shelf life and, depending on what you buy and what you cook, may have to be replenished as often as every week or as rarely as once a month.

13. onions
14. garlic cloves
15. potatoes
16. bell peppers (aka sweet peppers)
17. milk
18. eggs
19. butter
20. frozen vegetables

The exact varieties you choose to keep on hand are going to depend on your personal preference. For instance, I prefer sweet onions (Vidalias when in season) for general cooking but red onions just for salads and salsas. So, when I’m buying onions I always get sweet onions and will add another variety if I’m planning on making something specific that week. Same goes for frozen vegetables: I always have a pound or two of corn, peas, mixed vegetables, and stir fry vegetables. If you prefer something else, then obviously that’s what you’re going to want to keep in stock. And for what it’s worth: I use frozen veggies instead of canned because they’re typically lower in sodium and have a fresher taste. They can also be easier to work with, something which I’ll discuss a little later in the series.

Spices, Condiments, & Oils

I know this section is disturbingly short, but that’s done with a purpose.

21. salt
22. pepper
23. garlic powder
24. onion powder
25. cooking oil of choice

As with everything else, your preference is going to play a large role here. I use fine sea salt and fresh, coarsely ground black pepper for my every day cooking because I prefer the flavor, but some people don’t. Same goes for the oil: I personally use mild olive oil for everything (even baking), but you might want to use safflower, canola, soybean, etc.

Why is this list so short? Simple: me telling you what spices and condiments to buy is like you telling me what blue jeans to buy. It just doesn’t work. What you keep on hand will depend on your tastes, cooking style, and the cuisine you prefer. As you start to expand your cooking horizons you’ll try new recipes that tickle your fancy, and through that process you’ll start building your spice, oil, and condiment collection. If you’re just starting out, you’ll be able to do plenty with just these five items.

But What’s The Point?

By simply keeping these 25 items on hand, I can make the better part of a meal without really even having to think about it.

• Bready items: biscuits, corn bread, fritters, dumplings
• Side dishes: mashed potatoes, roasted potatoes, seasoned rice, steamed vegetables, polenta, beans
• Soups: vegetable soup, tomato soup, potato soup, multi-bean soup
• Breakfast and dessert: eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, rice pudding, muffins

Having this basic set of ingredients also puts me just a step or two from other easy meals. For example, canned tomatoes plus tomato paste, chopped onion, garlic, and bell pepper is a great starter base for either spaghetti sauce or chili. Or, make some rice and beans and add grilled chicken, salsa, and sour cream for fajita bowls. Make a stir fry with rice and mixed vegetables. Simply changing the seasonings allows you to make many different meals from the same initial set of ingredients.

I Can’t Keep Up With This!

Keeping a well-stocked pantry is a habit just like anything else: it takes time and practice. Once you have a list of items you want to always keep on hand your goal is simple: don’t run out. How to do that will depend on you.

One option is to post a list in your pantry (or on your fridge or counter) where you write down items that are running low. Another option works in the reverse: print a shopping list that has all your pantry items on it. Every time before you go shopping, cross of the items that are well stocked, and buy the rest. However you choose to keep up with your pantry, stick with that system for a couple of weeks in order for it to become a habit.

The next part of this series will cover some food preparation tips and tricks that make cooking at home a little less of a hassle.

Photo credit: meganpru