Go ahead and call me a wuss if you want, but I’m just going to throw this out there: my yard might just kill me. Not the work, but the actual yard. It’s chock full of thorns of almost infinite size and variety. It would be easy if I could just yank out everything with thorns but there are some pretty cool plants with thorns out there.
You’re probably familiar with that most common of the plant predators: the rose. My house came with two, a Knock Out upright rose in the front and an unknown rambling variety in the back (you’ll find that unknown plants are a common theme in my yard). This thing is tough as nails, propagates itself easily, and not particularly showy; makes me think it’s an heirloom variety of some sort. It’s putting out some new runners now, and as you can tell from the Sharpie v. Thorn comparison that new growth sports some mighty mean defenses.
Roses are pretty physical plants, you have to interact with them a lot. They usually require pruning, and ramblers like this one need to be trained to a trellis. All that interaction only increases the chance of blood loss.
Next on the list is this monstrosity. I’m not certain what it is, but I think it’s a flowering quince. I have a thornless quince in my front yard with wonderful orangey-pink blooms on it right now. This one looks very similar in structure and leaf, but it has white blooms and some ginormous huge stickers. I’ve been here almost three years and I’ve never even noticed it before: I found it today tucked behind a thicket of azaleas in my back yard.
The fact that it’s poorly placed means I either have to trash it or move it. Ever tried to move a plant covered in thorns half an inch long? Me either, but I can only imagine that it’s not going to be an enjoyable event.
The final contender on today’s list of “Tina’s List of Deadly Plants” is the ever popular bramble. Brambles are a common term for thorny, fruit-bearing perennials like raspberries and blackberries. I’m not certain of the exact count, but I have about fifteen blackberry and raspberry plants. If left to their own devices I will eventually have nothing but brambles as they propagate themselves easily. On the plus side, that means I’d be able to eat myself to death on berries…
Out of all the culprits listed the brambles are actually the easiest to deal with despite the name. If they’re in a bad spot (as mine are) and need to be moved (like mine do), you can cut the canes down, dig the root system up, and replant elsewhere with minimal blood loss. The canes will grow back and you’ll have fruit the next year (possibly the same year depending on when you transplant and the type of berry). Moving a rose or a quince requires a bit more delicacy. And all of them need pruning…
I think I might need a suit of armor.